


take me out

by tsukiokas (parkwoojins)



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Hitman AU, M/M, chikaita is implied, tasutsumu are only mentioned as a ship but they're both in the fic, this is basically a crackfic lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25729096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkwoojins/pseuds/tsukiokas
Summary: “i want someone to take me out”“like on a date or with a gun”“they can surprise me”
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage, Hyoudou Juuza/Settsu Banri, Takatoo Tasuku/Tsukioka Tsumugi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 65





	take me out

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i’m banju (juban?? what is their ship name) deprived so here’s a whole fic about them KSJDNF anyway this idea came to me at 4am and i wrote the entire draft for it right there and finished the fic today HAHA but yes anyway it’s inspired by the summary and also me being rly tired of life and tweeting someone freaking take me out and remembered that joke(??)!!
> 
> (pls excuse any typos or grammatical errors i've reread the fic so many times i cant tell whats right from wrong anymore)
> 
> also i absolutely have no clue how the dark web or hitmen work or if they’re even a thing so if u actually know how it works ignore the way i'm describing it,, (oh p.s there’s definitely swearing) enjoy!

“Aye Itaru-san, you know how to get onto the dark web right?” 

His gaming partner made a noise of acknowledgement from across the room. “Help me get on it.” He could hear the loud exaggerated sigh before the bed creaked and the older man walked over, “Why.”

He shrugged, “I’m bored, I’m gonna put a listing up.” “What kind of listing?” Confusion and intrigue were laced in his voice and Banri moved away from the computer, giving Itaru his space to work, “You’ll see.” Itaru hummed, fingers flying across the keyboard before clicking enter and smugly turning to Banri, “Done, you’re welcome.” “Yeah, yeah thanks.”

  
  


࿐

  
  


“Are you joking.”

Banri rolled his eyes at him, “Oh yeah of course I am, I went through the trouble to ask you to help me  _ and  _ typed up a whole listing for a  _ joke _ .” He was met with a deadpanned, unimpressed stare from Itaru, “ha ha very funny why are you even putting this up?” 

“Just bored I guess.” “You  _ guess _ ? How do you even have money to pay for – you’re giving away your  _ entire  _ gaming collection?! Hey I’m not a hitman but I can take you out right here right now and take your gaming collection.” 

That statement paired with Itaru’s determined face sent Banri into a fit of laughter, gasping out words in between, “You?! Please, even Kazunari-san could take you and you’d lose!" He could sense the other man glaring at him while he caught his breath, "God I really needed that laugh thanks Itaru-san." “I wasn’t kidding you know…” 

“Sure you weren’t, anyway does this seem good? I’ll go ahead and post it if it’s fine.” He waited for Itaru’s hum of agreement before moving the cursor over to the word submit and clicked it. A small ‘Posted!’ popped up onto the screen and he closed the website. 

“‘Kay let’s go, I'm getting kinda hungry.”

“What should we get today? I’m in the mood for some sushi.”

“Yeah sounds good anyway you’re driving so I don’t think I have a say in this.”

  
  


࿐

  
  


‘Title: Looking for a hitman to take me out

hey so i don’t really know how i should go about posting this so i’ll get right to the point, like i said in the title, i’m looking for a hitman to take me out. i ain’t loaded but i’ve got a mountains worth of gaming stuff so you can take it all. i don’t care what you do with it, sell it, keep it, just take it and take me out thanks.

attachment:

\- picture1 (selfie)

\- picture2 (gaming collection)’

‘Accept this listing?  **Yes** No’

‘Listing accepted. Please contact the original poster if extra information is needed.’

Juza stood up, clutching the printed profile in hand and made his way over to the boss’s office, lightly knocking before letting himself in.

“Hey Tasuku-san? I came across this listing and accepted it already but I wanted to ask… would it be against the company rules if I take this guy out on a date? He’s kinda cute and he never specified if the person should be taking him out with a gun or on a date.” The second the words left his mouth and he heard what he’d said he stared at the floor, wishing it would swallow him up. He didn’t even need to look up to know that Tasuku’s face had disbelief written all over it. 

He could hear Tsumugi trying really hard to hold in his laughter but was clearly failing because he could hear the snickers coming from the older man who had his back turned and was currently shaking like a leaf. 

“Hyodo… I’m pretty sure he means with a gun and not on a date…” Yeah the exasperation was pretty clear in his voice. “Now, now Tasuku, let Juza-kun have dreams, you should go for it! Have fun!” 

࿐

  
  


He’d been sitting in the arcade for a good 2 hours, playing around with random shooting games, waiting for Banri to show up and lo and behold he saw him finally walk in. 

Now to put his plan in action… He had no plan, he’d never been in the field before and had absolutely no clue what he should even start with. The fact that this was a very bad idea flitted through his mind – why had he not thought to think up a plan before wasting 2 hours of his life in an arcade? Maybe Tasuku was right and he should just pass on the offer to one of the older members and be done with it, he was obviously not cut out for this.

He shook his head, before his thoughts could start going wayward, he sat himself down at a random game near where Banri was obliterating some challengers, threw his coins in and pressed play. 30 seconds of gameplay passed and… oh man he was bad at this, absolutely horrible, what the hell was even happening on the screen? He blindly smashed the buttons at different intervals hoping something would happen.

“Dude you freaking suck at this– No! Don’t hit the button yet! And you died…” He looked up only to be met with Banri glaring at the screen over his shoulder before making eye contact with him. “Well it’s my first time playing, can’t expect me to be good at it.”

“First time I played this game I got a high score.” 

He paused, how the hell was he supposed to reply to that? The stare they shared got longer and before it could get any more awkward he settled on, “But I’m not you.” Banri blinked. That had got to be the stupidest thing that’s ever left his mouth. “Hah, yeah seeing how badly you suck at this game you’re definitely right.”

“Hey I may suck at this but I can kick your ass at DDR.” 

“Oh yeah? Bring it on.”

  
  


✧

  
  


“You’re good. Not as good as me, but still good.”

“Shut up how the hell did you get a perfect score?”

“Dunno I’ve never gotten less than perfect before, but c’mon find me a game here that you could win me at and I’ll teach you how to master all of the games.” 

“You’re on.”

  
  


✧

  
  


“Damn dude, you finally beat me at one game. That took a hell of a long time.”

Figures, he would win at a sniper shooting game, now why the hell didn’t he decide to choose this game right off the bat? Either because he was just plain stupid or subconsciously wanted to spend more time with Banri  – neither option sounded good.

“Well a deal’s a deal, come back here starting tomorrow and I’ll teach you how to master all the games. Oh and by the way, name’s Banri Settsu.” “Juza Hyodo.” Banri cracked a smile before turning and walking off, “See ya tomorrow then, Hyodo.”

  
  


࿐

  
  


3 months later and Juza had finally mastered all the games, he'd even had people that started to come up to him and challenge him  – though he was still not near or even close to near how good Banri himself was, he supposed he was getting there. 

He’d gotten far both in games and whatever he was trying to get to with Banri. He had no clue what they were but there was flirting and they’d definitely gone out more than a couple of times, yet were both too scared to ask the other what exactly they were to each other. 

He felt someone sit down at the machine next to him and judging by the quick movements on the consoles, it was probably Itaru. “Yo Juza, did Banri invite you to our christmas party? It’s next week so you should come if you’re free.” Itaru felt a whack against the back of his head, “Damn you Itaru-san, I was getting to asking him that.” He held his hands up in surrender, getting out of the seat and running off to find some other game to try to practice and beat Chikage at.

Banri took his place, turning his body to face Juza, “So…” Juza hummed, letting the other man know he was listening, but clearly Banri knew Juza’s attention was focused on the screen rather than on him. 

“Hey! Just because you’re good at the games now doesn’t mean you can ignore me you know?” “Well who’s the one who made me so good that people don’t stop challenging me? It clearly wasn’t me.” He didn’t even need to look over to know that Banri would probably be sulking and was definitely going to start whining soon.

He defeated the challenger before turning to face Banri, “Okay you’ve got my full attention, ask away.” “Didn’t you already hear Itaru-san…” Yeah he was definitely sulking, “Sure I heard Itaru-san asking me but that was his invitation, either you ask me or – hm I guess going with Itaru-san doesn't sound too bad. Other than the fact that Chikage-san might end me.”

And the sulking turned into glaring, “You’re so annoying you know that?” “Definitely but you like it don’t you?” “Shut up Hyodo. Anyway I’m only going to ask once so you better listen carefully. Come to the christmas party at Omi-san’s with me, please?”

Juza made a show of thinking, pretending he was mulling over the question and still unsure about his answer. “Hyodo I swear if you don’t answer in 3–” “Yeah I’ll go with you.” “Really?!” Banri’s face practically lit up, “Now who’s the one who wasn’t listening carefully? I said yeah.”

“Shut up Hyodo.” With the wide smile on his face his words didn’t have the usual bite to them.

  
  


࿐

  
  


“Alright Juza, Banri, Kumon you’re a team, Senpai and Kazunari you’re with me.” Itaru passed the controllers out, “Tsumugi-san, Azami and Tenma you’ll get your turns later.” With that he pressed play and the room was filled with yelling and clacking of the controllers. 

“Senpai take Kumon’s avatar out, Kazunari aim for Juza, I’ll deal with Banri.”

“Man he becomes such a demon when playing games it’s terrifying.” “Yeah you know I heard he got so mad once he flung his controller and it smashed through the window, Chikage-san was so pissed at him.”

The screen showed Juza and Kumon’s avatars being completely destroyed and the only avatars left were Banri and Itaru’s.

“Hey Banri, what ever happened to that hitman you tried to hire?” Itaru jammed down the buttons on the controller and a huge ‘K.O’ flashed onto the screen, “Hell yeah! haha suckers.” The entire room plunged into silence save for the game playing the victory music as Itaru’s words sank in.

A chorus of ‘Hitman?!’ and ‘For  _ who _ ?’ echoed around the room as Tsumugi and Kumon both directed their gazes to Juza who sat there frozen. “For me.” Banri admitted, as nonchalantly and as deadpanned as how one would ask about the weather. 

“Banri-san are you kidding me?! What the hell do you need a hitman for?” Banri averted his eyes from Azami, who – well simply put if looks could kill, Banri would already be dead. “I was bored…” He could only mutter and pray Azami hadn’t heard it. “You were  _ what _ ?!” He’d heard it. Not to mention Tenma had joined in on the screeching too. 

  
  


✧

  
  


“ –and who in their right mind would do that do you not value your–” “Oh my god you two shut up.” Itaru glanced at the clock, it’d been 10 minutes since the Tenma-Azami pair had started nagging and needling Banri about the whole hitman fiasco and frankly the entire room had had enough.

“Calm down, anyway it’s been 3 months and the person who accepted the offer hasn’t even come and tried to kill me so I think I’m fine.”

“Yeah that’s because I don’t want to kill you– or have you killed by anyone for that matter.” Again the room was plunged into silence at Juza’s revelation, this time without background music to counter the deafening silence. All they could do was stare at Juza, mouths hanging open (minus Tsumugi, Kumon and well, obviously Chikage because  _ of course _ he’s not fazed by this). 

After a good minute of silence Azami finally spoke up, “Explain.” 

“Well I saw the listing up 3 months ago, and you didn’t specifically state you wanted someone to snipe you – I mean you were really vague you just said ‘take me out’ so I took it into my own interpretation and decided to work towards taking you out on like a date instead.”

And there the silence was again. “My god you really are dumb huh.” (That got Itaru a pillow thrown to the face courtesy of Kumon yelling ‘My brother is  _ not  _ dumb!’)

“Juza-san… even I would’ve known he meant with a gun, who the fuck goes onto the dark web to find someone to take them out on a date, tinder exists for a reason.” Juza rolled his eyes, “I know but I doubt Settsu really wanted someone to come snipe him, it probably was just because you thought life was boring and wanted a challenge huh.”

“Shut up Hyodo.” 

Chikage sighed shaking his head, “Were you absolutely just out of your mind when you put that listing up?” “We thought no one would take up the offer.” Itaru shrugged like it was no big deal, “Anyway Juza ended up taking it and didn’t snipe Banri anyway so what’s the problem?”

(“Yeah yeah exactly!” Banri parroted after him and got a hard smack across the back with the pillow Azami was gripping on to.)

Tenma glared at him, “Okay it’s not a problem now but what if someone  _ had  _ come to snipe you?” Banri opened his mouth to answer before pausing and thinking it over, finally settling on, “Well that would’ve been a problem for another timelines me.” Another smack with the pillow, “Stop joking around!”

Tenma’s mouth opened again – probably to start another lecture but before a single word left his mouth Itaru piped up, “Tenma you say one more word and I’ll call Yuki here and tell him you’d  _ love  _ to help out at his shop next week.” With that Tenma clammed up.

“He’s just worried about this stupid idiot, and totally within reason - who the fuck does reckless things like that?” Yet again another hit with the pillow, “Stop hitting me you brat!” “I’m trying to beat some sense into you shithead! Don’t make people worry for nothing!”

“Yeah he definitely gets that from Sakyo-san.” “Shut up Tenma-san!”

“Bon stop yelling!” “Shut up shithead Sakyo don’t butt in when you’re not even in the room!”

Muffled grumblings could be heard coming out from the kitchen but thankfully no appearance of Sakyo – clearly Sakoda had found some way to calm Sakyo down and prevent him from storming in and giving them a 2-hour lecture  _ again _ . “Anyway–” Banri was the focus of attention in an instant, “I’m fine so let’s not fixate on what could have happened but on what did happen.” He ended it there, focusing back on the game in front of him, unaware that the rest of the room were throwing questioning glances around. “So what the hell happened?”

“C’mon Itaru-san are you just being stupid right now? I got a… a Hyodo and I’m not bored,  _ obviously _ .” He could hear Itaru’s scoff from behind him, “Oh yeah how obvious.” “Exactly now shut up the game’s starting.” 

“I was being sarcastic…” “I’m pretty sure he knows that Chigasaki.” 

  
  


✧

  
  


“Hold on wait, Hyodol you’re a hitman? Like an actual working hitman?” Kazunari paused and his little in-game avatar stopped defending itself, allowing Banri to get in some hits. 

“Yeah I work under a company full of hitmen, and no I haven’t killed anyone yet, I probably don’t plan on sniping anyone – all I’ve been doing is helping with paperworks or searching for listings. The older, more experienced hitmen do the jobs.”

“Damn that sounds fun, hey hook me up with a job there.”

“Don’t even joke about that Chigasaki.” “What?! Itarun you good?” 

Juza shrugged, taking the distraction to kill off Tsumugi and Kazunari’s in game avatars. “Ask my boss he’s somewhere in the kitchen.” “I’m just playing around senpai don’t pinch- your boss is what?!”

Chikage let go of Itaru’s arm, still glaring at him, “His boss is Tasuku.” “Senpai why do you know that…” “I did a background check on everyone here.” Itaru sighed, rubbing his arm, muttering, “Yeah shouldn’t have asked.”

“Huh?! Tsumu-tsumu that means your boyfriend’s a hitman?!” Everyone’s heads whipped over to stare at Tsumugi, who was proudly smiling despite his entire team losing the game, “Yeah! I actually encouraged Juza-kun to go and try to win Banri-kun over!”

All they could do was stare at him. Tsumugi Tsukioka, the resident nice guy, the flower enthusiast who owns an entire flower shop, had a boyfriend who was the boss of a hitman company. “Damn with his innocent face I’d never have guessed it.” 

“Hm, but I guess that explains why he’s so cunning sometimes…” “Right I totally forgot about that....” “Azami-kun, Tenma-kun I can hear you whispering over there – besides, just because my boyfriend is a hitman doesn’t mean I’m one!” 

**Author's Note:**

> this ended up being a 2.8k worded shitpost huh,, and yes i’m also a sucker for chikaita and tasutsumu! like . hitman boss tasuku w his soft flower shop owner boyfriend tsumugi? i live for that shit (how did this fic go from banju to,, whatever that was in the end lmao) anyways do leave kudos and comments so i can improve !!!
> 
> (p.s 2.0 i absolutely love azami & banri + tenma & banris friendships and I NEED MORE OF IT which is why i went . so heavy on the azami & tenma worrying about banri agenda lmao)
> 
> also come yell abt a3 @ me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tdrkshotos)!


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